A Confession About My Unborn Son

Writing the words “my son” brings tears to my eyes.  I am a mother of two faith filled, incredible, hilarious, understanding, beautiful, and giving daughters.  They have made me the woman I am today and I will be forever grateful to them for that.   My soul has always yearned for a son as well.  Not only has my selfish flesh reminded me of my want for a boy; society reminds me too.  Whether it’s a complete stranger who sees me with my girls and poses the question, “well you gonna go for a boy?” or if it’s the quips from others reminding me of the expenses and emotional “burdens” girls will put on me.  The combination made me scared to have another girl.  My husband and I decided to have a third child; but only after digging deep within our souls.  We wanted to want a third NOT because we were going for a boy.  But because we wanted another gift from God.  We spent much time in prayer and conversations with one another asking God to purge us of these selfish wants and societal perspectives on girls.  We listened to what God told us to do before we began our journey of conception and took our steps of faith towards our third gift.

This entire timeline is about two years old.  Which proves the patience and guidance we had to gain to get where we currently are.  I am going to fast forward and let you know what happened on a Tuesday because I want to share how awesome God is.  On this Tuesday it was forty eight hours before our sonogram where we could find out if we were having a boy or a girl.  Let me preface by saying we had decided to wait until delivery for the baby’s gender reveal.  People told us that it was an amazing experience and if you have the opportunity, to at least do it once.  I trusted these words and couldn’t deny that it had to be an incredible feeling within the delivery room.  I agreed to do this for the encounter.  But also because I was still privately struggling with the issue of gender and wanting a son.  Even though I thought I had really given this issue over to God, here it was creeping back on me.  As my pregnancy bump grew, the questions from others asking, “so, do you want a boy this time?” was not helping tame the emotions inside me.  I figured that if I waited for delivery I could hold my baby and at that point the issue of gender would just disappear.  So, back to Tuesday….. I was a hot mess and struggling.  I knew I was thinking WAY too much about the boy/girl thing and I was letting the voices of evil creep in.  I should have been focused on God gifting us with a third baby.  Making the gift of new life the center.  I spoke with my husband about my emotions explaining that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to wait for delivery anymore.  I told him I may want to find out; but I also didn’t want to loose the experience of the delivery room surprise.  He told me not to worry.  And that we have plenty of time because the sonogram wasn’t until Thursday.  I took his advice and enjoyed my evening with him.  Regardless.  I had to admit.  The root of the emotion wasn’t that I was confused about when to find out – at the sonogram or going through the journey in delivery….it was that I was afraid I was pregnant with another girl.  I feel awful typing thoses words out; but I think there are parents that can relate to this thought process; so I don’t feel too alone.

Wednesday came around and the emotional wave was swelling inside me.  I was hiding my fear of a third girl to the outside.  Even to my husband.  I decided to talk to one of my best friends about my truths and she told me that she and her husband chose to walk out of their sonogram appointment with an envelope in hand that had the gender of their baby.  I thought that was a great idea because even though it sounds like torture.  It was comforting for me to have the knowledge within our grasp.  So, at any point.  If we chose to look at it.  We could.  I spoke to my husband about it and he thought it was a cool idea.  So, that was the plan Wednesday night.  Thursday morning, the day of the sonogram; my soul was tossing and turning.  I woke up at 6 am to get my first born out of bed and ready for school.  I walked into her room and heard Plumb’s song “Lord, I’m Ready Now”.  I realized at that second in time and in space how much I was NOT ready for the truth.  I walked into my daughter’s closet and fell to my knees and wept uncontrollably.  I told God I was so sorry for not being thankful for this gift He had given us in an unconditional manner.  I told Him I needed him to guide me today and to let His voice be heard through this process.  I told Him that I knew He knew what was best for me because He created me.  I asked to have this gender issue removed from me because I didn’t want to think about the topic anymore and I wanted to bring my focus back on Him.  I stood up and decided to go down and find my husband and confess to him that the reason for my emotional state was not confusion.  But fear.

I was afraid of not receiving a son.  My husband hugged me and told me he loved me and that whatever that baby is, it is exactly what God wants for us.  He even told me that he wanted a son too.  But he also knew God’s will was the most important because it is what is best.  I felt more calm and at ease and just decided to let God handle the day from that moment forward.  I got our girls off to school and decided to stop by church before the appointment to have some alone time.  I walked inside the sanctuary and sat on that pew and poured my heart out again asking for strength, forgiveness, and guidance.  Driving to the appointment I felt emotional.  But I felt it in a secure way.  I knew God had me.  And He was driving the day.  I remember sitting next to my husband waiting to hear my name called.  The whole time I was talking to God.  Just asking Him to keep guiding us and for me to hear His voice.  Then….I heard my name called.  We head to the sonogram room and I hop up on the table.  The tech tells me that she is going to check my cervix first.  She put the transducer on my abdomen and we see an image for about three to five seconds that burst our hearts wide open.  We saw a boy.  She pulled the transducer back up quickly.  But my husband and I knew what we saw.  She asked if we wanted to know what the gender was because she was aware of the image that just flashed on the screen as well.  Of course we said yes because we already knew!  She put the transducer back down and there he was….our son.  Laying on his back, sucking on his fingers, legs spread wide with his man parts showing.  My husband and I started crying and hugging so hard that the tech started crying with us.  The song “Our God Is An Awesome God” started playing on the tech’s radio.  It was a gentle and powerful reminder that God brought us to that moment and the entire process belonged to Him.

Categories: Save It For Your Family, Save Relationships, Save Yourself Thru Growth, Walking The Walk | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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